I'm not sure how many of you know, but I have been going to group therapy since January this year in an attempt to take care of Doug for once in my life. I just wanted to share some of the things I have been going through this last couple months.
Wow. A lot has happened and I'm not sure where to begin. I guess the reason I wanted to post this is because it has become made aware to me that my current behavior has involved and effected almost everyone in my life. I discovered that I have a pattern of seeking out love and attention from the people around me in order the feel important, wanted, and like I mattered BUT I do it in a very negative way which has prevented me from building solid lasting relationships with those who actually care about me. Those people, meaning all of you who come visit my blog. :P
I wanted to point this out because in my attempt to feel loved, I inadvertently sabotage these relationships by pushing you away or "testing" you to see if you will come back. Therefore, achieving my sought after love and affection I wanted. This is unhealthy and I need to accept my friends and families love for me regardless of these false situations I create. Overall, I am sorry I do this to you. I'm not trying to play my game anymore, but it helps me to vocalized these things and make them a reality so I can actually see it and change.
This has been one of several breakthroughs and insights that I have realized while going to therapy this last year. I have become distant with most everyone around me because I am hoping someone will just come to me and love me. I can't do this anymore. My definition of caring and love needs to change.
If you ever wanna talk about this and some of things I may have done or are doing with you and our relationship, please let me know. It's good to talk about these things in order to create a more healthy relationship. I need to open my eyes to those around me who care before it's too late and they are lost.
I realized all I want is to love and be loved in return. So ... I love you all. Those of you who come to my blog unbeknownst to me, It's okay. I need to know you care regardless of evidence from a phone call or posts on this dumb blog. Those aren't the manifestations of love I need to rely on anymore. It's time to accept and believe that those of you who are in my life are here because you want to be. Thank you for listening.
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4 comments:
Wow Doug, I am really proud of you for sharing that. I have been going to therapy for a while now and I too have learned and grown a lot. I never posted it on my blog, but everyone's different. I think everyone everywhere should attend therapy to learn about themselves and their patterns of relating to others and to themselves. Thanks for sharing and may your path to self-fulfillment be enlightening.
Thank you Miranda. I think it was subconsciously trying to tell people about therapy and how it has helped me...
I also thought about whether or not this was an attempt to create a false situation for others to manifest their love to me. So I was worried after I posted this. I do not believe I am trying to push anyone away or test anyone with this. At least, I don't believe so. But as I continue to discover this behavior and why I need to do it so much, I hope I can recognize when I am seeking attention and when I am just speaking my mind.
Doug, thank you for sharing and being willing to take such a risk by opening up. I am glad that you are getting to know yourself and how to meet your needs in a way that will bring more peace and happiness into your life. I didn't feel like your post was soliciting praise or approval from others, but rather a way to share the things that are going on in your life with those that truly care about you. And as one of those people who truly care about you I want to let you know that I think you are fantastic! You are one of my favorite people to be around, and I say that in all sincerity. I wish you all the best as you continue this journey of self discovery and hope you know that there are a lot of people out here rooting for you! Much love, cousin Lara
Doug, I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking about you for the past few weeks and when I saw this post I knew I was thinking about you for a reason! I am so glad that you are happy and finding self satisfaction. There is so much in life that is more enjoyable when you are happy with yourself. I took me along time to learn that, infact I think that having my little one has made me see it the most! I am so glad that I have memories of our friendship to look back on! I am glad that I have found you again and hope that next time I am in Utah that we could get together! I hope you continue to find happiness and that we can talk again soon!
Your friend Emily!
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