Thursday, October 23, 2008

Group Therapy and More.

I'm not sure how many of you know, but I have been going to group therapy since January this year in an attempt to take care of Doug for once in my life. I just wanted to share some of the things I have been going through this last couple months.

Wow. A lot has happened and I'm not sure where to begin. I guess the reason I wanted to post this is because it has become made aware to me that my current behavior has involved and effected almost everyone in my life. I discovered that I have a pattern of seeking out love and attention from the people around me in order the feel important, wanted, and like I mattered BUT I do it in a very negative way which has prevented me from building solid lasting relationships with those who actually care about me. Those people, meaning all of you who come visit my blog. :P

I wanted to point this out because in my attempt to feel loved, I inadvertently sabotage these relationships by pushing you away or "testing" you to see if you will come back. Therefore, achieving my sought after love and affection I wanted. This is unhealthy and I need to accept my friends and families love for me regardless of these false situations I create. Overall, I am sorry I do this to you. I'm not trying to play my game anymore, but it helps me to vocalized these things and make them a reality so I can actually see it and change.

This has been one of several breakthroughs and insights that I have realized while going to therapy this last year. I have become distant with most everyone around me because I am hoping someone will just come to me and love me. I can't do this anymore. My definition of caring and love needs to change.

If you ever wanna talk about this and some of things I may have done or are doing with you and our relationship, please let me know. It's good to talk about these things in order to create a more healthy relationship. I need to open my eyes to those around me who care before it's too late and they are lost.

I realized all I want is to love and be loved in return. So ... I love you all. Those of you who come to my blog unbeknownst to me, It's okay. I need to know you care regardless of evidence from a phone call or posts on this dumb blog. Those aren't the manifestations of love I need to rely on anymore. It's time to accept and believe that those of you who are in my life are here because you want to be. Thank you for listening.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Movin' Out!

I am wanting to move out like TODAY! I am SO SICK of my place and NEED to maintain my sanity some where else. So just wanted to throw that out there is case anyone had something in mind to help me.

Biggest issue, Cat. I have an indoor/outdoor Cat. His name is Toby and he doesn't require much, not even a kitty litter box. I love him so and do not want to have to get rid of him.. :(
I currently pay around $330 in rent including utilities which is great but considering the SMALL HOLE I live in, I am willing to pay more for an upgrade. Max is around $400. I know that's pushing it.. I have my own furniture and stuff like a small couch, Futon, dressers, Tables, Chairs and the like but that can go away via storage or a yard sale of some sorts if REALLY needed.

So there you have it. Any thoughts, ideas, possibilities, directions, etc... LET ME KNOW!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Okay you gotta watch this video! My friend told me about this and I gotta say it's really entertaining. This is a Joss Whedon Production (Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel) with Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser), Nathan Fillion (Firefly) and Felicia Day (The Guild).

You just gotta get through the first 5 minutes. At least to the first song. That's right it's a MUSICAL! It's so great!

Let me know what you think. :P

Monday, October 06, 2008

Who knows?

Knowing I’m mortal with an end in sight,
Fear rages with in, filling me with fright.
Am I able to rest and last through the night?
Who knows?

Thoughts racing mad as they shroud all desire.
My heart beating wild and will surely expire.
Constant distress, Will this ever tire?
Who knows?

Time slipping away and passing till dawn,
The hope of a life full of joy is gone.
But somehow, I think, Life after goes on.
Who knows?

Long after I go, where then will I be?
In heaven’s embrace? Or a fiery sea?
But then, will time even care about me?
Who knows?

Why should I then try when I’ll cease to exist?
When the moment does come, I’ll no longer persist
What then? Shall I leave but an incomplete list?
Who knows?

Fear over powers and scares me to live.
And death slowly comes and does not forgive
Faced with the choice, to die or relive?

Friday, October 03, 2008

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

A poem by me

My mind is so full of thoughts yet so empty at the same time
Too many uncertainties and mixed feelings flood my drowning self.
Becoming so lost after finding light and hope from a familiar beacon
Have I failed? Did it only shine for a flicker of time?
Turning to me not so long ago and providing comfort and understanding.
Have I been cast aside and forgotten?

What did I do to shatter the glass of this broken tower?
That once stood strong in the dark night of unanswered questions.
Did I just turn away, looking with my eyes shut?
It’s hard for me to admit it but is all this pain my fault?
I want you; I need you to shine again for me.
Ever constant, you once were, come back to me again!

Shrouded with grief from my own disappointment
The tower fades from my sight and appears distant, absent.
Reaching forward with determination, I take it back again!
Making the choice to embrace the love that shone before,
Filling me with eyes I once used to guide my way.
Refusing to admit defeat as fears of rejection boil to the surface,

Accept my love as I demand it from you constantly.
No more will I stand for being alone and unsatisfied.
No longer will I deny myself from peace and happiness.
I need the light to fill my heart so I can reflect it back
Reinforcing each beacon so it can serve its purpose
I am its purpose, ever looking to it as it looks back at me.

I will have the light because the darkness never leaves.